Session #35

Sex=Guilt

Yes, these two went hand in hand for many years as I lived my life. Never being able to explore this mysterious and amazing world until my twenty eighth year, due to the usual Jehovah’s Witness rules and regulations. Once I left that all behind in 2008, things changed in such an incredible way. Sure, I was able to have sex as a married “Christian” man from 1994 till 2008, but this was restrained due to the above mentioned “rules” that were given to all members.  This pretty much shackled JW’s to straight, conventional sex with no variations in any form. It was quite the frowned on subject matter for a Christian to discuss much less fantasize about. Control, for sure.

Enter 2008, when that pivotal year would open my eyes to so much I had been kept from and warned about. I began to explore and study about every aspect of human sexuality and the possible benefits a human could obtain, the pleasures possible with some research and experimentation. Reading, watching, questioning new friends who had not been part of the repressive belief system in which I’d languished in. This was HUGE for me and certainly made me regret those many lost years of experiences that could have been. As I made my way towards opening up and becoming the polyamorous human that I am, there were conflicts that hit me head on like a speeding train. Sex. With others who were NOT my wife (still a way of life that is foreign and impossible to many). This required a lot of research and soul searching, wrapping my head around the concept of loving others in every way and NOT feeling guilt. Can this be done…?

As we opened up to poly in 2010, the nervous yet exciting world ahead plagued my soul and mind in many ways. All of these concepts and philosophies went counter and against all I was taught, trained in and forcefully fed. Opening up in mind and theory sounded great but it was not easy. The first relationship I had , while very nice as well as passionate, was still damaged by my own insecurities of breaking the rules, the “law” of the deity I’d given so many years to. The sexual acts themselves were glorious and I enjoyed the moments with those lovely individuals, but the after effects would eat at me. It is NOT easy to turn off the faucet of those emotions and programming in just a few years. Over the next seven years or so, this would gradually get easier to deal with as my partners were so understanding and helpful. But..it still persisted.

 

A has been great as we learned the poly ropes and how to communicate and maintain multiple relationships.  Fast forward to 2015 when I met D. She has been a rock for me, steadfast and true as well as a wonderful partner in my life, securing a part of my heart for eternity! I’m seriously blessed in my relationships! Yet still, when I have that intimacy with others , that damned guilt creeps in, even though now it is fleeting and goes away quickly. Again, in this, my partners have been incredible in their love and acceptance of me as the imperfect soul I am, convincing me continually that it is OK…it truly is a POSITIVE thing to be intimate with others and enjoy the poly life we all lead.
If it were not for their loving kindness and compassion, compersion…I’m not sure where I would be in this life. As 2018 continues it’s speed towards summer, a few other beautiful people have entered my life, again issuing forth those brief feelings that I combat each time, though…they are slowly fading away. My lessons learned over the past decade of freedom from the clutches of the “borg” have progressed from questioning to accepting who I truly am. Every day is viewed as a blessing, every experience with amazing humans as another beautiful part of life! And when the intimacy part happens with these lovelies, it is now SO MUCH easier to be ME!! To accept that it is OK to be this Seumas and that I’m supported by my partners and…to live my life in love! Today, I thank them from the bottom of my heart, my whole soul, and every part of me. I could never in any way repay them for this love and understanding, this acceptance. They DO have from me, an eternity of love and loyalty!  Thank you A and D…guilt is tiring and I’m getting better! ❤ ❤ ❤

 

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