It is interesting how my memories and recall regarding those decades as a Jehovah’s Witness have faded so quickly in some areas, not so much in others. Many of the day to day routines, the meetings and conventions…they fade. Then all of a sudden, something will trigger a memory, usually negative. It does not take long to put that aside and move past, depending on the strength of the memory and how it hits me. This is especially apparent in matters dealing with relationships, sexuality, social interaction and , of course, holidays. These are still clinging on to my psyche now and then, sometimes with irritating impact. Sure, it is tough to just turn off such things after 35+ years of indoctrination. But it has been almost a decade since leaving that system of manipulation and control, yet it STILL plagues me now and then. The phrase “work in progress” still applies though I really cannot stand having to use that.
This is session #32 and many of the above subjects have been discussed at length since I started this blog. They are always valuable to me and part of my life, forming large parts of my daily existence. So it is natural when those triggers crop up. My sexuality is a very personal thing to me, a HUGE part of me and while I’m very open and transparent in this regard, that past judgmental, controlling and negative influence hits at the worst moments. Even during intimate experiences with my partners, it flickers for a moment, before extinguishing due to my own mental strength. This is progress and I’m so happy it is FINALLY occurring! For this, I give thanks to various people, books, gurus and most certainly myself.
When I left a decade ago, after the death of my father, the first spiritual path I studied was that of Buddhism. This path was indeed the right one for me, though I never really have chosen a particular sect or established system. More like an amalgamation of them all, and not the religious Buddhism that is so well known. The books from Jon Kabat Zinn, Jack Kornfield, Pema Chodron, and the Dalai Lama have been amazingly helpful and a lifetime part of my library. My first post in this blog series was in June of 2015 and I have come a long way in moving on! There are periods where I tend to lag behind and not keep up with my mindfulness studies, my meditation, and the various aspects that keep my mind fresh. I fall into periods of inactivity that make me complacent and not at all positive. Fortunately, my loves are good about getting me out of these and they don’t last long.
And I seem to still struggle with that acceptance from others, their likes and comments on Facebook or Twitter,etc. That needs to stop! Imperfection sucks, yes? 😛 The battle is real but hey, things are ALWAYS improving and I’m incredibly thankful for the loves in my life and their help! Thank you Dena, thank you Ann! ❤