Session #25: Walls

When I stand back, sit back or lay down and contemplate my life, where I am at in my time on this planet, really…I’m damn lucky. Fortunate. Blessed. Add any word here that might be more descriptive. No, it has not been all the most glorious nor perfect existence, but in comparison to other folks…it has been good. That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. My past sessions here have documented my past, my present, my emotions and my continued  struggle with various things. Yesterday, a quote from Socrates struck a chord:

 

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This…this really spoke to me as it described me in how I am, how I feel. Where did it come from? So many places: the thirty eight years as a Jehovah’s Witness, the hurtful words from some about me, my looks, my personality, my intelligence. As I matured, a lot of this faded away. Most of the time, I don’t build too many walls up in my life, whether personal or professional. Most of the time. But there are a few that tend to never crumble completely nor to be destroyed, and that makes me work harder but pay the price emotionally and psychologically. My walls, composed of brick made with self criticism and an occasional feeling of being unloved are cemented with a mortar of low self esteem and continual judgement. These are tough ones to break down.

This Socratic quote made me think of my emotional walls and how tough it is for them to be penetrated by others. When they are, the interior can be a jungle of clingy, overemotional mushiness and touchy/feely intimacy that can be very off putting to many people, especially those who need space and are not as receptive to these feelings, or understand them. When that happens, my mind and heart, always intertwined,  sometimes react with the previously mentioned self doubt and questioning stance that make me worry and stress. Many reading this would shake their heads and either declare “What rubbish” and snicker at it or maybe even poke fun at such feelings, saying that giving validation makes them feel suffocated and uneasy. That would make some, including myself occasionally, descend deeper into this negative world and force a physical manifestation, sending this extrovert into an introverted hell. Yet, a few in my past and even fewer in my present have seen their way past these machinations and been able to read the real me, to become part of this emotional humanoids life and to actually LOVE him for what he is, what he does, says and shows. Putting up with the idiosyncrasies I have built up over the last 49 years of life and not just fleeing when they happen. For this, I’m eternally grateful, hoping these people know how much I love and adore them in so many ways. I always do my best to let them know. Communication is key when I build these walls up and need help and fortunately, I’m happy to report that most of the time these said walls are broken through and I’m surrounded by love and respect, by tolerance and nonjudgmental minds and hearts. By loved ones who read me well, sometimes too well. And that is just fine as it helps me learn, mature and grow in a positive way.

This blog helps me out immensely and while some of the feelings here seem negative, that is the point. Dealing with them and progressing.

Sure, I still do and will occasionally go a bit too far in building my walls, but I DO want the right people to break them down and discover the man inside, even if I show that imperfection we all possess. For this, I say thank you, I love you and my heart is yours. ❤

 

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2 thoughts on “Session #25: Walls

  1. Walking down year 43 on this planet; with similar final notes when looking back as you; I have too found the humbleness to paint the judgments I place on myself as open as I can to have them wither away in true light. I have formed the very close encounters of soul-tormenting experiences as one of the gifts to deeper understanding and deeper sense of why I am here. I found a thankfulness when I rolled in the shattering shame, when I in fragments could find breath and stillness, however brief and seemingly insignificant to the rest of the world.

    It was important for me to burn away the definitions set by others; and find my own sense of what I am and what this is and why it is. It was important for me to have all masks crumbled and tossed; because we lose our way in the myriad of expressions and impressions, voices and screams and what is shown to be.. values.. Values? Whenever would this be Values in the sense of deep down treasure? Whenever would the self devouring and self indulging moments; or lets pull out the self crushing/tearing/lying/using; self destructive entity of life, EVER be a Valuable to keep? It’s not, but it’s kept as such, even by us who would benefit from leaving it behind.

    For me my silence was death to me. An Unforgiving darkness of no end, where all I knew would be blown away – not cleansed lightly like a rain but blown away as a storm and nothing would ever be found again, but the core of who I was. That’s it.

    Some times when I looked at me, I was resentful. Other times I was ruthless. Few times here and there I would be gentle, but all that did was to fume my guilt of never being good enough.
    I left everything, to be Nothing. Places, people and things. To be Nothing.

    When I found Nothing, fear was the only thing keeping me together. And the road has been 2 years now, of crashing head on into fear. A million nuances of fear. Terrorizing fear.

    I know where you’re at. I understand where you’ve been. The greatest of that is the utter fact that.. You Will Be Ok. Walls will fall on their own and you will be better for yourself when they do. You will be loved for who you are, because nothing will and can cage you. You will be found as the one you are, because your were cloaked, but not lost.

    You’re on your path to Greatness, and I am absolutely stunned for your opportunity to reach it. ❤

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