Session #16

As I’ve matured, many things have occurred at intervals that constitute an “ah-hah” moment. You know those times when everything simply falls int place and we know it has cemented itself in our brain. One of the basic foundations of our learning and maturation process is critical thinking. For me, this didn’t really start to materialize into actual practice until I was in my early thirties. It happens to everyone at differing times but I have always been a late bloomer in almost everything. No clue as to why. I wouldn’t say it was a development problem as much as I didn’t find education too thrilling until later in my teens. My grades were average and while that is no big deal, bets are that I could have really been good at them later on. Graduating with a B average was fine enough though my college classes were minimal due to costs and not wanting to get into enormous debt as my friends and acquaintances were. Plus…I felt I could learn on my own in an autodidact sort of way. And this I did to some extent. My education took off a lot when I worked at a book store , where I digested all I could in addition to the library and other sources. I learned a lot…except to really think critically and with a degree that most other college educated kids did. I was trapped in a religious world where college was very much discouraged and made out to be a trick of Satan to lure us to be involved with “the world” and it should not be trusted, even though those telling us this were themselves from higher education. Ironic,eh?

Well, my thinking and philosophical processes started to sharpen and take shape, making me a lot more extroverted than I had ever been before. This led to the act of overthinking and it was soon to change my life. My thinking took new turns. I was digesting and processing everything I could, from philosophy to science, psychology, sexuality and anything else. While this was happening,I stayed in a lonely world inside myself, wanting to burst out and be around people. To be sociable and mix with others. I wanted to be loved and seen, to be among others as they experienced the world and to join them as they became happy. This was to be not only a key to opening the prison gates but proved to be a gate in itself.

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I found myself trapped in a world where I was happy for all of the new knowledge and thinking capabilities I had but also trapped in this same prison where I was OVERTHINKING everything and being too critical of so many minor and rather unworthy occurrences. My mind was and still does continue to feel like a wheel in a hamsters cage, constantly turning round while not getting me anywhere. I do a lot of processing while I’m alone or out running, the best place for me to do this. What are my problems that need correction: a few things. I have way too much time on my hands to do this overthinking and need to do something about that, whether a new job or volunteering. Second, I’m too demanding of communication during these times and need to step back, analyze what I’m thinking without working myself up and THEN to deal with it. Do I really deserve constant communication with those I love and cherish and do I need to have this all the time? No, I don’t. Then why am I doing it? Because that’s how I have been conditioning myself over the last twenty years and especially the last eight. I crave the time spent with others, that social and close atmosphere of being near those I love and adore. So much so that when I’m alone…Yes, I get lonely. It sounds truly pathetic that a grown man of almost 50 is whining about being lonely during the day and typing a blog post about it. But it’s fact. And that I have come to this realization makes me keenly aware of the steps that need to be taken in order to separate my time and to busy myself.

Some people can relate to this and yet many others cannot. They define it as simply clingy, attention seeking, ego-stroking, submissive and emotionally trapped. All negative and horrible sounding in any way. but this is not true. Just because someone wants to be around others does not pen them as one of the above. Nor does it mean they have problems that suggest therapy or a doctor to solve their problems. Of course, it DOES depend on how far a person goes in this. Do I text and email,message and talk too much? Perhaps to some I do, others maybe not. All depends on the person. Do I get worked up if i don’t hear back form someone in a reasonable amount of time? I used to quite a bit but have really done well in this regard. And, do I overthink things when not getting back responses, as if that person is talking to another and not me or just ignoring me? Not really. I USED to and now and then that might creep back in to remind me of what once was.

Therefore, these thinking processes are a curse yet a blessing as well. I’ve learned so much about myself and am still crunching the numbers to basics and see what is left of the real me. I want so bad to be myself yet also want to be happy, love others and to be loved. To have those I love be happy with the real ME and not some overthinking and trembling man who thinks that he is going to be dumped and left for others. This man gives them ( they know who they are), trusts and responds to what is said to him. He believes and is confident that all is good with life. Now, to just work continually on my reactions, thoughts and to not let them imprison me. Now, to let them know they are trustworthy and that this guy is just ME and working on things like every other person does. That he appreciates them and their love. I have so many to thank for this ❤

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