There are some days that simply sparkle with life, vividness and excitement. Then, there are others that simply put…suck. I’m fortunate to have a lot more of the former than the latter but when those bad days hit, it can be a struggle. And every human being has their ways of dealing with those negative and downer moments. I’m no exception. Men in particular have a different way of dealing with such things that might limit them to public expressions. When growing up I was taught, like many American males,that crying and emotion is NOT something that is to be shown. Hell no would a man do that and especially in front of others.Yet I was and have always been a very emotional guy, with such things running through me. No, I didn’t really show them to others when a teen or in my twenties. But, as I aged I noticed that the option of doing so had changed culturally here in this country.
Now, a man could, at the appropriate time, show emotion and behave in a way that conveyed his feelings. When moments sadness or hurt and pain descended on a man, he could now be himself without mass scrutiny or ridicule. Well, some of the time. This is when I started to show my own sensitive side and become who I really am today. Sure, I cry during sad moments in movies, or when seeing family and friends deal with moments that require and bring on the tears or expressions of sadness. And when alcohol or medications get involved, lowering one’s inhibitions and thinking abilities, it’s worse. I find myself to not do well when tipsy and that alcohol, while something I have no problems with, is not as much a friend of mine as I get older. So less has been consumed and even less will be as I age.
The problem is, though, not just that emotions are involved. But mechanisms to cope with negativity or when insecurities arise. Not only have I cried more but I admit to shutting down when bad things happen. So much so that the sweethearts,family and friends in my life get concerned as I turn into a different person in some ways. If I get either depressed or have some insecurities arise, I shut down. I stop talking (which for me is HUGE as I’m a major extrovert) and retreat to books or other forms of media. This in itself is not good but what is worse is that I stop eating. Yeah, I know. It’s not good. I simply lose my appetite and find myself without desire to eat or drink much at all. Last time I did this my body had no food for four days. When things got a bit better and I dealt with them, eating became easier and I bounced right back. Doing this is unhealthy and I have tried to discover why it is how I deal with it. Is it due to being told I cannot show emotions or that I need to hide my feelings? Could be part of it.Not going to blame anyone or anything on this as we all have similar problems. but dammit…I’m 48 years old and should be more stable than this. Should have learned better and found ways to deal. Well, I’m slowly getting there and better with these things. I’ve never been on medication for anything other than pain occasionally and infections. No therapists, no anti depressants, no self medicating for these things. Just the above mentioned ways. And they need to go away. So, this work in progress has been trying his hardest and best to NOT drop back to those when times get tough. Fortunately, I’m loved by folks around me and this makes all the difference in the world. Yet I continue to struggle with being self deprecating and putting myself down, even though I try to post uplifting and positive messages on Facebook and in other places. Yes, I need to work on some things. This blog has helped a lot and I’m glad to be able to use it this way. To get my feelings out and share them in hopes of healing. Therefore, what I need to do is:
1-Be kinder to myself and LOVE myself more
2-Give more credit and due to the loves in my life, not taking anything for granted.
3-Not freak out with my insecurities and to deal with them in a kind and loving manner.
4-Most certainly to stop withdrawing and to lean on those I love and open up.
5-Show my emotions when I damn well want to and let the chips fall where they may.
And to let love and kindness rule over me, to be myself and be aware that in changing that simply to be a people pleaser is NOT truly being James. Be myself. Cry. Speak up. show emotions. Hug more. Love more. Be happy as much as possible.And to not let what others say about me matter at all! If they don’t like me and want to criticize, they can move on.