Session #1- My first day
This is going to be interesting indeed! Session number one at the therapists. And this Dr has no name nor a place other than right here. Without further ado….I’m ready.
My name is James and I’m really looking forward to baring my soul and heart to the world.
It is not an easy thing to do with a therapist much less to the general population but I’m willing to give it a try and see if it helps in being therapeutic for me and my mind. Where does one begin?
OK, how about from the beginning. I was born in 1966 in southern California, close to Los Angeles. We were a traditional and “average” family until 1973, when my mother decided to get involved with a very ultra conservative religious group in the area, changing my life and that of my brother, forever. This change meant the cessation of the previous life in so many ways, including no more birthdays, holidays, major celebrations and so much more. We started to attend a few meetings a week at the building they called the church. Eventually, we moved from that densely populated area to the small towns of Montana, where we resumed the religious instruction. My brother and I had a good childhood for the most part and were loved by our parents, though we didn’t have a lot of friends as outside friendships were discouraged and frowned upon by the church and it’s hierarchy. This never makes things easy for children nor adults. Still, we survived and moved again later to Spokane, Washington where I attended fifth grade to graduation, faring decently on the surface.
During this time span, the religious instruction really did a number on my soul, mind, heart and logic. On one hand, I admit I learned a lot about the Bible and it’s history as taught through the organization that was the leader of this group. Public speaking, door to door and street preaching were all part of my growing up, from age 6 onward. But there were so many things I did NOT learn about the world around me, what it contained and how much there was to offer. Most if not all of it was forbidden and considered to be negative, not something I could explore as it meant taking away time from God. What? Really?
At the age of 12 I started to change as puberty hit. Many years before that I had enjoyed being with around all types of kids, boys and girls alike. When the “change” appeared at age 12, that never changed and increased dramatically as did the sexual urges and desires. That was when I knew I was attracted to both genders, even though the name for it was unheard of in my circles and family. Being part of a religious group that was very much against any sort of thing meant that I had to contain this inside of me until a time might be arrive when I could say or do something about it. Alas, that meant decades. In addition to this internal potboiler, I also had to suppress other desired activities, such as competitive sports, association outside of the church, gatherings and, when the age of 18 and 21 arrived, other activities granted at that time. These things I did for the sake of my family and to not be shunned or kicked out of the church. So many of the beliefs that I was taught went against my core values yet I still stayed in. There are many reasons for this, most of which I used to beat myself up over daily.
Session time is over?? Damn! I just got started!
(When starting this, I was determined not to make the blogs too long and involved and to simply add more sessions over time.So, this is my first session and a little background. The above information is a basis of why I struggle and fight so many demons today. I’d hoped years ago I would never be in such a place as some of my friends are as well. But, it has happened. Now, to heal and get better. While I started to heal and get past some of these things a few years ago, it was only recently that I became more vocal about it and wanted to talk. This is a place I can do this in addition to my loved ones and close friends. Thanks for letting me share this!)